"I have two hands, so when I’m networking and I meet two new people, is it OK to shake both their hands at once? Or would it be more appropriate to organize a group hug?"
"Hoping to win the lottery to escape your existence is like waiting on a unicorn to give you a ride out of town. If you’re interested, I’m selling saddles."
"He rose like heroes, and I rose like rows of red roses. Love grows wherever you plant it, so I try to farm it wherever I go."
"When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone in a dream, I saw the future."
"Some people grow vegetables by day, but I grow shadows by night. Right now my only customer is the US government, but the profit is unbelievable."
"I’m 33, and an 18-year-old girl called me old. I said, “You may be temporarily young, but you’ll forever be childish.” Then I put gum in her hair."