"I know she is going on vacation, so I knitted her a sweater. It matches the bathing suit I knitted her, and it’s as revealing as my feelings for her."
"When she’s cuddled close, I feel there’s nothing I can’t do, and I can’t do nothing about it, because my heart is her heart for as long as she wants it."
"I make love like I make coffins—with my bare hands, alone in my garage. On sale through Thursday—Buy One Funeral, Get A Second One Free!"
"I realize all guys have thorns. But I am a rose, and she chose a cactus over me. I wish her luck with her dry, desert-like existence with him."
"Based on the questions we both answered, we’re a 0% love match. That means we’re 100% compatible, once I enlighten her to the correct perspective on life."
"She looked, but she couldn’t see. She was wearing an emotional blindfold, and though she heard me say I love you, she just didn’t listen."