More quotes by Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"This morning my girlfriend was so loud in bed that we woke up the neighbors. So I told them to roll over and go back to sleep."
"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."
"I'm so excited. I just bought a new file cabinet, some manila folders, some sticky note pads, and a few highlighters, and I think I'm finally ready to enter into organized crime."
"If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt."
"I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial."