More quotes by Jarod Kintz, I Want

"I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I'm going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable."
"I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals."
"I want to write a book about shoes that’s full of footnotes."
"I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair."
"I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of typewriters sings songs that praises the bananas for their wisdom, leadership, and their high levels of potassium."