More quotes by Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best."
"The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK."
"If you tell me I look like someone you know, I might get panicked and think you’re on to me. I thought nobody saw me abduct that guy and steal his identity."
"The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her."
"I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears."