More quotes by Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food."
"I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears."
"I called an insurance company to get a quote. They gave me one of Oscar Wilde’s best."
"On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me."
"I feel like I could be the best, but I’m not going to openly admit that. At least not to any of my clones."