I’ll be your Dostoevsky, if you’ll be my Tolstoy. Our life t... - Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I once saw two endangered species about to have sex, but I had to put a stop to it because I suspected one of them of being a prostitute."

"A lollygagger is a person choking on a lollipop. That works perfectly, because I sell Heimlich Maneuvers in a variety of flavors."

"Life is about having an attitude of gratitude. And grabitude. Seriously, you’ve got to take stuff. What, do you think someone’s just going to hand you what you want?"

"Comparing penis sizes is a much more nuanced and sophisticated way to determine who’s right than something as clunky and uncouth as a debate."

"I don't understand people who say they need more "Me Time."What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else's body?"