#Odd

"33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins."

"I always wear roller skates when I ride my bicycle. The more wheels the better, and that's what makes me a better lover. You know you want to go for a spin. I'll bring the record player, if you bring 1982 and her little sister, Elton John."

"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."

"Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone."

"You say freak, I say unique."

"I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink."

"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."

"As an Odd-Fish, it is not my job to be right,' said Sir Oort. 'It is my job to be wrong in new and exciting ways."

"I restrain myself from following orders—especially restraining orders. I’d like to remind my dad that my love is longer than 500 feet."

"I want to make something of myself. I believe it’s called a statue."

"I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to participate in my choreographed dance routine, bring a football helmet and a half empty can of tuna (keeps the stray cats away, because I perform in a gritty, grimy downtown alley)."

"We no longer know each other. Hell, I barely know myself these days. I brush my teeth and look in the mirror and think, “Who is this guy taking care of my oral hygiene?"

"I’ll be your Dostoevsky, if you’ll be my Tolstoy. Our life together will be so full of despair that death will be like a gulag full of joy."

"There's such an odd, eclectic group of people that make up the town of Plymouth, New Hampshire. I don't think I could avoid not coming out of there with a pretty good sense of humor."

"When the clock reads 3:00, I don’t call it three o’clock, I call it three hundred, and I remember the Spartans. At 3:01, however, I remember what I was doing at 2:59, and I get back to it."

"She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her."

"It's odd how violence and humor so often go together, isn't it?"

"There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house."

"Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory."

"On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars."