#Odd

"On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars."

"My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?"

"We no longer know each other. Hell, I barely know myself these days. I brush my teeth and look in the mirror and think, “Who is this guy taking care of my oral hygiene?"

"To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle."

"All things are strange which are worth knowing."

"We rode the merry-go-round like a couple of lovers. We weren’t though; we were just two horse enthusiasts from two different worlds (I think she was from Mars)."

"There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house."

"My ashtray is full, the carton of cigarettes is empty, and I just cremated grandpa. But I never inhaled—or told him I loved him."

"I always wear roller skates when I ride my bicycle. The more wheels the better, and that's what makes me a better lover. You know you want to go for a spin. I'll bring the record player, if you bring 1982 and her little sister, Elton John."

"As an Odd-Fish, it is not my job to be right,' said Sir Oort. 'It is my job to be wrong in new and exciting ways."

"33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins."

"Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory."

"I restrain myself from following orders—especially restraining orders. I’d like to remind my dad that my love is longer than 500 feet."

"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."

"When the clock reads 3:00, I don’t call it three o’clock, I call it three hundred, and I remember the Spartans. At 3:01, however, I remember what I was doing at 2:59, and I get back to it."

"I loved her as long as a midget. It was gruesome, and then I grew some."

"Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone."

"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."

"I want to make something of myself. I believe it’s called a statue."

"It's odd how violence and humor so often go together, isn't it?"