"I’m older now than my dad was when he was my age. Wait, that’s not right. That’s not my dad at all, that’s just some stranger hanging around in my memory."
"I’d rather fake my own fog, than fake a steamy love scene. Can I interest you in some mist? It’s homemade."
"The six squares of our love didn’t add up to a cube. Still, I took the oddly-shaped box down to the post office and tried to mail it into the future, when I’d be more prepared to open it."
"If one unlabeled bottle holds nonfat milk, what does the second unlabeled bottle contain? If you answered “Whole milk” then you’re obviously not ready to receive a jug of my love. So I’ll just pour it in someone else’s coffee."
"She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her."
"Nobody can make you feel ignorant but you—the you from before, the one who skipped school and slept in class. By you, of course, I mean me."