#bizarre

"Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?"

"I rarely drink, but last night, after several hours and several beers at the bar, I found myself face to face with two huge boobs. They weren’t the breasts of a young woman, but those of an old man. Still, the taste of a nipple is genderless."

"She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her."

"The waves were choppy, like Chuck Norris' karate hands. The ocean would have been still, if I weren't making love in it."

"Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries."

"It’s impossible for me to applaud your successes when my hands are too busy patting myself on the back. But if I clap for you, and you pat my back, we can both feel like winners."

"I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables."

"I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick."

"I’m glad scrambled eggs don’t have lips, because when I’m grinning over a hearty breakfast, it would really freak me out to see my breakfast grinning back. I’ve eaten a man for less than that."

"When the silent flamingo dances pink with desire, I’ll be there, sipping on owl stares and kitten curls."

"I want to make something of myself. I believe it’s called a statue."

"I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I'm going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable."

"I can’t define what love is. That’s like eating a pancake with a waffle instead of a fork. But you know it when you feel it, like petting a cat wearing a synthetic fur coat."

"I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him to move over a few feet."

"All things are strange which are worth knowing."

"There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house."

"I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will appreciate the thought, or maybe he will feel I am making more work for him."

"On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars."

"33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins."

"I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that "new car smell"all the time."