In high school I got voted most likely to get voted for some... - Jarod Kintz, It Occurred to Me

"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."

"With all the money my uncle embezzled over the years, it's no surprise he lives in a gated community. But what is amazing, however, is that he somehow managed to get his own cell."

"I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy."

"If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave."

"If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time."