"Pain produces progress. So if you truly love me, you will try to hurt me as much as you can. If you really want me to grow as a person, you will water me with betrayal, abuse, neglect, derision, thievery, and possibly even torture."
"In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense."
"Drink my Distraction Juice (not from concentrate). It tastes like love, only not so focused on just one ingredient."
"I love you because I love you, and if you don’t like it you can use my circular logic as a noose and hang yourself."
"I am the three minutes of 180 seconds, and I don’t do refills. I’m a lover, not a farmer."
"Love is like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute. But there’s no need to be frightened, because that plane is still on the ground."