She wants to teach me to dance, but how do you instruct wate... - Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"If I were splat proof, I wouldn’t be afraid of heights. Also, I wish I had a bouncy ball for a heart, so I could love fearlessly."

"When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll be speeding off in the getaway car."

"I sell soap. Buy two bars and get a FREE shower. (Water not included.) Act within the next 15 minutes and I’ll even throw in the towel. I quit!"

"Under the guise of being nice guys, the central bankers have done to the people what no army in history has been evil enough to do."

"Last year I built a Courage Machine, but I thought it might be noisy and was too afraid to turn it on. So I coated it with glue, covered it with cat hair, mounted it on my wall, and started claiming it was an exotic animal I killed on a Safari in Africa. I'd like to believe people believe me, on account of it being so strange that it has to be true."