The big uncookable sections of who we are, they’re the ones... - Jarod Kintz, Seriously delirious, but not at all serious

"The people need to know that the people need to know. And I’m just the man to let them know that they need to know. However, what they need to know, I do not know."

"I’m hungry to win. I should enter a hotdog eating contest."

"I want to kidnap kids and force them to take useless tests all day long. Wait, that’s what our public education system already does."

"The girl I used to love is no longer a girl, and this saddens me more than our separation. It puts my own mortality vividly on display, in contrast to my eternally youthful memories."

"Vacation, I go there in my mind. Especially when I’m at work, getting paid for it."