"There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words."[Interview, The Paris Review, Summer 1956]"
"If I had a shiny gun I could have a world of fun Speeding bullets through the brains Of the folks that cause me pains :)"
"Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common."
"If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy."
"Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it and it darts away."
"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."