"We had a whirlwind romance. That’s what happens when you date a tornado. Hold on, I have to stop tweeting for a bit because Kansas keeps calling."
"If you’re going to hang around and watch me write, you might as well have a noose around your neck. Would you mind if I kicked the chair out from under your feet? You’re standing on my only place to sit."
"If my legs get blown off in war, I’d like to have them replaced with a coffee table. Half man/half furniture, I’ll be in the living room if you need me."
"As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves."
"My instant love in a box is perfect for Florida. Just add water."
"Is there a drug that will illuminate the mind and eliminate all the drugs the modern medical system will try to convince you that you need to take?"