"When I make love, I make extra, and then I keep it in my pants pockets. Well, not all of it. I give an inappropriate amount to the tax collectors."
"In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense."
"My love is rare, like a hornless unicorn."
"A coffin would make a great suitcase. If I folded it neatly, I’ll bet I could pack in all my love for you."
"You know you’re in love when you reach out to hold your woman’s hand, without remembering that her hands are full because you insisted she carry all the groceries out to the car."
"If I had no penis, how would I pee? How would I make love? How would I think?"