relationship

"For the funeral I needed a plus one, so I rented a hooker. And then I rented a movie. Rest in peace Grandpa, or whoever you were."

"Last weekend I went out of my comfort zone to go hang out with people I’d only heard about, and I met one new person who turned out to be a very valuable contact. I should try networking at my family reunions more often, because that’s how I finally met my dad."

"The summer temperature outside was 45 degrees, so I turned 45 degrees and went right back inside. It was so cold outside because that’s where all her love for me was."

"I had a dream about you last night. I was alone on a dark night and you came to me as a firefly. I knew it was you because you were the brightest."

"In love, women are professionals, men are amateurs"

"To show you I love you, I bought you an antique watch. You can tell it's old because it doesn't even work. I got a great deal on it."

"I had a dream about you last night.. you were holding a pine cone and introducing him as Gerald."

"I think about her sometimes, and wonder what she’s doing and who she’s doing it with. I suppose I could just stalk her Facebook page like a normal person, but that doesn’t seem as romantic as surveillance and GPS tracking."

"At the end of the day I went to this place where your memories left footsteps on my skin and the breath of your touch stained my desire. Yea, it was one of those nights where I needed you the most."

"Sometimes, when I have to do something I don't want to do, I pretend I'm a character from a book. It's easier to know what they would do."

"It's better to have a few faithful friends than numerous shallow friendships."

"A man is lucky if he is the first love of a woman. A woman is lucky if she is the last love of a man."

"Love is a bronze statue sinking in quicksand. But if I hand you a lasso, will you try to save the statue—or use the lasso to hang yourself? If you need me, I’ll be here to kick the chair out from under your feet."

"I make furniture that can be used as weapons. The most dangerous piece of furniture is the Loveseat."

"I make friends as easily as water freezes in an active volcano. Remember: handshakes feel more natural if you leave your rubber gloves at home. Unless you enjoy networking in public restrooms."

"To put everything in balance is good, to put everything in harmony is better."

"I let coffee drip into my mouth the same way I fall in love—slowly, as I wring out my shirt before going to scrub off the 32-ounce spill. I’m as romantic as a free-refill station that’s out of sugar, cream, and stirring sticks."

"He is your friend who pushes you nearer to God."

"I hope we'll be friends forever, together we'll always be. I don't think you understand just how much you mean to me. And one day when we part our ways, we'll think back to the past and think about how happy we are 'cause our friendship will always last."

"Everyday it gets easier to connect with an electronic device that it is to connect with real people."