"Candle making is a half-ass business, because the product is only useful half the day, at night. Why not make candles that double as dildos, and make it a whole-ass business."
"If football players wanted to protect their brains from injury they’d wear astronaut helmets. After all, astronauts have massive IQ’s, so wearing their protective headgear seems like a smart choice."
"In a gust of guts and gusto, I told her of my love for her. Then, like a tornado, she spun what I said into something that terrorized Kansas."
"To wait on love is to tie a weight on your heart and slowly drown. Why sink when you can fly by freely giving love away?"
"I’ll wear a maze on a necklace, dangling over my chest, because if you want to get at my heart, you have to be ready to lose yourself."
"If you’re going to hang around and watch me write, you might as well have a noose around your neck. Would you mind if I kicked the chair out from under your feet? You’re standing on my only place to sit."