"Hoping to win the lottery to escape your existence is like waiting on a unicorn to give you a ride out of town. If you’re interested, I’m selling saddles."
"We had a whirlwind romance. That’s what happens when you date a tornado. Hold on, I have to stop tweeting for a bit because Kansas keeps calling."
"I fall in love with you four times a year: winter, spring, summer, and fall. The leaves may change, but how I feel about you does not."
"The sunset sky fades from blue to orange over Gainesville, Florida, and what I lost is less than what I gained. I gained love, I lost love, and if could do it all again, I would."
"You don’t need to have a fight before great sex. I can keep my cool and still bring the heat every time."
"She said she loved me, and I believed her, because she was looking directly at another man when she said it."