"I just bought a bag of potato-chip-flavored air. I also bought a bed, but sleep wasn’t included. Thank God a cup of coffee is full of wakefulness."
"I can sell you wine and I can sell you flowers, but I can't sell you romance, because that comes from your heart, and it's free."
"I restrain myself from following orders—especially restraining orders. I’d like to remind my dad that my love is longer than 500 feet."
"Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment."
"I can’t use my intellect to figure out how to bypass my intellect. Love lies through the spirit, not the mind, and love never lies."
"I buried the lasagna, because it was better than disposing of a dead body. I’ve been burned in a relationship, but never in an oven. I’ll try harder."