A tornado is the ultimate coffee grinder. Just add water, an... - Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"Last night I didn’t sleep for a solid eight hours. No, it melted a little. Damn global warming."

"What reading level is the word love? It’s a four-letter word everybody knows the meaning of, but nobody can define it."

"I told the joke, but someone else got the high five. That’s like me drinking a cup of coffee and a guy in a coma waking up. Go back to bed, buddy."

"If you were to ask me what’s under my bed, I’d tell you shoes. They’re brown, and they’re still attached to the body that’s been decomposing there since I hid it three days ago."

"For our first date we went Dutch. We would have gone another nationality, but they are the tallest."