"I make friends as easily as water freezes in an active volcano. Remember: handshakes feel more natural if you leave your rubber gloves at home. Unless you enjoy networking in public restrooms."
"I just developed a gun that shoots mustaches. Sometimes a disguise can be deadly, especially if it’s your love you’re trying to camouflage."
"I could scarf down a scarf faster than I could eat any other throat warmer, with the possible exception of your clenched hands around my neck."
"My love has a flow like a flower, so it’s best if you water it with the fragrance of romance, which has the aroma of loyalty."
"I make furniture that can be used as weapons. The most dangerous piece of furniture is the Loveseat."
"Necessity may be the mother of invention, but who is the father? Don’t look at me! I wore a condom."