"I make friends as easily as water freezes in an active volcano. Remember: handshakes feel more natural if you leave your rubber gloves at home. Unless you enjoy networking in public restrooms."
"I once saw the world’s ugliest baby drown. But then I realized, “That’s not a baby, that’s a log. And it’s not drowning, it’s burning.” I wonder what it did to deserve that? It was probably a heretic."
"If you converted a water fountain into a fire fountain, then you’d have what it takes to stoke the heat I have for you in my heart."
"I love how babies look like old people. I saw a baby the other day that looked exactly like my grandpa, only taller."
"I chased the chaste, and they got scared and scurried. Then I stood still and loved where I was at, and all approached without fear of reproach."
"I told her I'd wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who'd give me a ride home."