"I said I made a special trip to get her favorite item, because it sounded more romantic than admitting I randomly had it already. Now that’s love."
"A can’t in a can—it’s carbonated failure that’s ready to drink. It tastes like the back half of love."
"After soul searching, I found myself. Then I found myself giving of myself to a charity that finds missing children. It's great to be found."
"People don't care what I wear or don't wear, and even if I don't wear anything people will cover for me if they know that I care about them."
"I keep my motivational book collection in the fridge. Hey, Who Moved My Cheese?! Did somebody let grandpa out of his cage again?"
"I used the boos, and not the booze, as motivation. That led to applause, which I drank up like an alcoholic. I need a refill."