More quotes by Jarod Kintz, I Want

"I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair."
"I want to see an elephant hunt down a man for the sole purpose of collecting his teeth, while a chorus of typewriters sings songs that praises the bananas for their wisdom, leadership, and their high levels of potassium."
"I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married."
"I want to end global hunger by feeding half the world’s starving people to the other half."
"I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I'm going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable."