"In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense."
"We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off."
"I want the gift of a guitar—no strings attached. I want your love to also have no strings attached—and be just as musical."
"Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They’re so confusing! If love were a physical thing, it would be stairs."
"I am the archaeologist of love. I’m digging for the bones of a loved one I shot and buried decades ago."
"I wrote an edible cookbook. The pages are made out of tortillas. It’s also the Book of Love. (Batteries and hot sauce sold separately.)"