"Midnight is Hellen-Kelleresque, so if you ask me if I’m seeing anybody, I’ll ask you what time it is. Answers are always between 12:01 AM to 11:59 PM."
"My reality is it’s nighttime. The truth is I’m just blindfolded. How many people live like me, in self-deluded darkness?"
"A can’t in a can—it’s carbonated failure that’s ready to drink. It tastes like the back half of love."
"I’ve never been in a yesterday quite like today. Seems like the perfect time to be in love."
"Behold, the number five is at hand. Grab it and shake and harness the power of networking."
"When two people are cuddled close, they can really warm up one burrito. It may take all night, but I like my cheese melted. #CuddleChampion"