"I didn’t give her my full attention. The bottle was half full when she started drinking. Still, from it she grew distracted, so my farming technique worked."
"Poor is the man who thinks money makes him wealthy. Love is the true treasure, and the more you give away, the more you have."
"When her boyfriend broke his leg, I knew it was my chance to ask her to dance. So I put down my baseball bat and approached her like Babe Ruth."
"White letters plus white paper equals invisibility. Just because you can’t see my love for you, doesn’t mean I didn’t write about it."
"I got a zero. That’s like a perfect ten—it’s only one away from being flawless. Remember this next time you think you have nothing."
"Comparing penis sizes is a much more nuanced and sophisticated way to determine who’s right than something as clunky and uncouth as a debate."