On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my adv... - Jarod Kintz, $3.33

"I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears."

"I want to own a wind farm. Don’t breathe, or you’ll undermine the price of my crop."

"She asked if I wanted to spoon with her, and I told her I didn’t want to stir things up."

"If sharks really can smell blood, then I’d imagine they’re all salivating over my erection right now."

"If you work in a hospital, you can’t easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you’re sick? Well why don’t you come in to work and we’ll have a look at it."