"This morning, as I was driving to work, I mistook a big brown box on the side of the road for a deer. It was dark, and I swerved at the last second, and even though it wasn’t a deer, I still managed to nail that son of a bitch."
"Tennis is the only sport with love in the score, and that makes it the most romantic. I would be a player, but I wisely use the net to go fishing instead."
"Nostalgia is being blind to the bad and only remembering the good. Thinking about all the love I had for her is a positively Helen-Kelleresque experience."
"A little part of me dies every time I try to commit suicide. If life is a buffet, I’m still in the mac and cheese phase. Maybe one day I’ll mature into more of a meatloaf kind of guy."
"You are not your body. You are the sum of all your actions, and they live on after your body dies. You may be mortal, but your brand is eternal."
"If I found 20 dollars on the ground, I’d be willing to bet I’d find someone in desperate need of money that I could give it to. And I’d bet 20 dollars, so even after finding and giving away 20 dollars, I’d have made 20 dollars."