Treasure isn’t always gold, silver, and gems. Sometimes it’s... - Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I’d row a gondola like a column is not a row. My coffee may be cold, but my love is warm. When are you going to wake up and drink it?"

"The word long is short, and so is the word short, but why is the word love as long as long? Shouldn’t it be longer?"

"We made love like a goat has four legs like a table. If your dining room table can walk, it’s best to eat while sitting in wheelchairs."

"I meet people to know I’m not alone. I network like an astronaut on the moon."

"I put the sing in single—especially when I’m in the shower. Does anybody have any requests they’d like to shout out while the water’s getting hot? As always, silence all cell phones during the duration of my performance."