#positive-thinking

"Bagels and Lox Life's an everything bagel;love is a schmear of scallion cream cheese;and lox, no matter how you cut it,is resistant to dumbass metaphors."

"One Philosophical Question, Two Faces [10w] 'Is life wort living?' is tantamount to'Does God exist?"

"Children Learn to Love and Hate A child understands love by three months and hate by three years.How the child processes that understandingwill shape his character for the next seventy."

"♀ Travelers vs. ♀ Tourists [10w] + [10w] Female travelers wear no makeup, stringy jewelry and Jesus sandals.Female travelers wear overcaked makeup, diamond jewelry and Gucci Booties."

"Babel [10w] Building a tower to reach God doesn't require any bricks."

"There is no new knowledge, it already exists in the universe."

"The 2-Step Self-Discovery Program The first step in self-discovery is not giving a shit what anybody else thinks.The second step is knowing you're a self-centered asshole."

"Celebrity [10w] Celebrity is an insignificant zit on the surface of history."

"California [10w] No two snowflakes are alike,unless they're California yoga practitioners."

"My Brooklyn Childhood [10w] "Motherfucker! I gotta put more goddamn change in the swear-jar."

"Your own dreams stand alone, longing to be fulfilled, and you wonder if it will ever happen. You must have faith. Just as the bus was a little late, so too can fulfilment of your desires come a bit late."

"Charity [10w] Contentment over your life is the best aphrodisiac for charity."

"Senility [10w] Senility's like a bottle of Coke that lost its bubbles."

"Jew in a Canoe Haiku Jew in a canoe,whitewater rushes, the canoe tips.The Jew doesn't."

"The Human Race Pleasure is the sprint.Contentment is the 5 mile.Happiness is the marathon."

"Clairol: Does she or doesn't she... ...take it up the ass."

"Paranoid Realist Perspective [10w] "I've conquered all my enemies except for the real ones."

"Lubbock, Texas Haiku Oil wells, Hub of the Plains.Stinks like an armpit."

"Thai-kus From the dark starfishof the 300 Baht whoremy white sperm bubbles.Reclining BuddhaBirds nest in your golden ears.What wisdom they hear."

"Cancer [10w] It's odd that the cancer that kills you is you."