"I asked for info, and he offered it for a price. Now I’m selling him my security services, and if he doesn’t pay me, I’m going to give him a karate lesson—for free."
"Spelling Bees are useless and unnecessary competitions. Before Microsoft Word and Google, Spelling Bees had value, but now they are all superflewus."
"I just developed a gun that shoots mustaches. Sometimes a disguise can be deadly, especially if it’s your love you’re trying to camouflage."
"She said she loved me, and I believed her, because she was looking directly at another man when she said it."
"Pizza is circular. So is an hour. I’ll take two slices—to go."
"Too many abused beers have suffered in the name of networking. Let us find a better way to mix torture and business."