"I blew the love trumpet until my cheeks were blue. Then I paid 34 bucks for a taxicab ride home so I could admire my receding hairline in the mirror."
"The race is long, and I am sprinting. If I ever see her again, I’ll probably be too out of breath to tell her I love her."
"We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off."
"Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They’re so confusing! If love were a physical thing, it would be stairs."
"Two empty chairs are not a good use of space. Fill them up with love."
"Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?"