"I blew the love trumpet until my cheeks were blue. Then I paid 34 bucks for a taxicab ride home so I could admire my receding hairline in the mirror."
"When I make love, I make extra, and then I keep it in my pants pockets. Well, not all of it. I give an inappropriate amount to the tax collectors."
"Love is tender, like the pot roast I’m keeping warm in my shoes."
"My love is rare, like a hornless unicorn."
"I love you because I love you, and if you don’t like it you can use my circular logic as a noose and hang yourself."
"I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover."