"If I were hairy, would you vacuum my chest before we made love? I’d probably have enough chip crumbs in it to feed the homeless, because I’m a charitable kind of guy."
"The best part about being a writer is being able to communicate with people without moving my lips. The mouth is better used for kissing."
"We had a whirlwind romance. That’s what happens when you date a tornado. Hold on, I have to stop tweeting for a bit because Kansas keeps calling."
"Older doesn't necessarily mean wiser. Some trees live to be hundreds of years old, and what the fuck do they know?"
"Tweeting is talking into the abyss, filling a void in your life by avoiding real human contact."
"I’m passionate about being compassionate. It takes a lot to give of yourself, and that’s why it’s such a gift—for both the recipient and the giver."