"If I were hairy, would you vacuum my chest before we made love? I’d probably have enough chip crumbs in it to feed the homeless, because I’m a charitable kind of guy."
"I ordered a beer and then I ordered another beer, because why finish one when I can finish two? Having only one is great for love, but bad for beer."
"If I could make tea out of your love, would it be hot, or iced? Would it be black, or green? Would it be sweet, or unsweet? Would you offer free refills?"
"A love story in six words: Hello. Goodbye. In between was marriage."
"A pitcher throws baseballs, but a pitcher also holds liquid. My emotions are so fluid I wonder how large the pitcher would have to be to hold my heart. Probably 6’3”."
"Snow is not microwave friendly. In fact, snow is not too friendly at all, unless you first buy it a few beers. Then it’s just downright slutty."