"I’ll convert a school desk into a tricycle, because how else am I supposed to learn to love? It’s not like baseball gloves are very effective oven mitts."
"My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk."
"Tennis is the only sport with love in the score, and that makes it the most romantic. I would be a player, but I wisely use the net to go fishing instead."
"If I were a mannequin, I'd know people would only want me for my body. But that's OK, because that's how it is now."
"There's someone for everyone. And when my clones get here, everyone will be able to have that someone. Prices start at $99."
"You get used to success and you start to expect it—and that’s when you fail. Luckily for me, I can’t possibly fail, precisely because I always fail."