I'm sober. Yessiree, I quit drinking. I haven't had a beer i... - Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"Her love was too cold, like an anti-oven. That's called a freezer, and sometimes it burns food. She gave me heartburn, just like coffee, and it really woke me up to the reality of relationships."

"My heart can hold all the love you give me. If you need to quantify it to properly price it for sale, it would be one gallon."

"Either I will love you, or I will love you if and only if you love me in return. I prefer the former."

"Sometimes I’ll forget a utensil’s name, and I’ll say, “Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger."

"I think about her sometimes, and wonder what she’s doing and who she’s doing it with. I suppose I could just stalk her Facebook page like a normal person, but that doesn’t seem as romantic as surveillance and GPS tracking."