More quotes by Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"My girlfriend just bought me a portable toaster. And my birthday’s coming up, so I’m half expecting her to buy me a portable bathtub to go along with it."
"I'm hanging on to her memory like Spanish moss on an ancient Florida oak, and unlike the sunset, my love won't fade."
"Professional wrestling is a lot like cuddling, I thought as I hugged a tree. As far as lumberjacks go, I’m slow, but when the tree finally falls for me, it falls hard."
"A kangaroo would jump better if instead of legs, it had a trampoline under its torso. And there would be no depression, because it would bounce right back."
"To attract a lover, you need to craft the perfect Craigslist ad. Here’s mine: Free TV with purchase of potato chips and couch."