"She said she loved me, and I didn’t believe it for a minute. Maybe 59 seconds, but not a whole minute. I may be gullible, but I’m not without an accurate way to measure time."
"When I lost her I gained the future, because she was my past, and she freed me to become who I was born to be."
"I could scarf down a scarf faster than I could eat any other throat warmer, with the possible exception of your clenched hands around my neck."
"Be memorable. Say something unforgettable. Be silent."
"I said I made a special trip to get her favorite item, because it sounded more romantic than admitting I randomly had it already. Now that’s love."
"If you find yourself thirsting for my love, don’t forget that I sell straws in a variety of flavors. What is the price of romance? Good question. Today only it’s on sale for half-off wholesale prices. Everything must go. My entire inventory of straws is being liquidated."