"If you find yourself thirsting for my love, don’t forget that I sell straws in a variety of flavors. What is the price of romance? Good question. Today only it’s on sale for half-off wholesale prices. Everything must go. My entire inventory of straws is being liquidated."
"In these modern times, the only sensible thing to be is nonsensical."
"If you own the most profitable manure distribution warehouse in the world, you might not like the smell of success."
"Only a fool tells people that only fools buy gold. In the coming future, I’d rather have fool’s gold than dollar bills. Ask Zimbabwe."
"I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are."
"My advice to aspiring writers is to read more, write more, and network more. More, more, and more. Then, after you've done all that, do it some more."