"The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me."
"Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight."
"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."
"Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory."
"There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house."
"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."