My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle... - Jarod Kintz, The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.

"On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars."

"He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse."

"Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight."

"33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins."

"Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies."