We all long for something. Midgets long to be long, but I lo... - Jarod Kintz, Sleepwalking is restercise

"She likes her wine white, and that’s how I like my clam chowder. So chuggable!"

"Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the machine accepts hugs."

"Quarterbacks shouldn’t leave the pocket, because that’s where the money is. Every politician knows this."

"4 in 5 Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing, which begs the question: Are 1 in 5 Americans retarded?"

"Would you mind if I used your kitchen sink to take a bath? I have the hygiene of a midget."