We all long for something. Midgets long to be long, but I lo... - Jarod Kintz, Sleepwalking is restercise

"Quarterbacks shouldn’t leave the pocket, because that’s where the money is. Every politician knows this."

"She likes her wine white, and that’s how I like my clam chowder. So chuggable!"

"4 in 5 Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing, which begs the question: Are 1 in 5 Americans retarded?"

"Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the machine accepts hugs."

"Would you mind if I used your kitchen sink to take a bath? I have the hygiene of a midget."