Jarod Kintz, Sleepwalking is restercise

"We all long for something. Midgets long to be long, but I long to belong."

"Quarterbacks shouldn’t leave the pocket, because that’s where the money is. Every politician knows this."

"She likes her wine white, and that’s how I like my clam chowder. So chuggable!"

"Would you mind if I used your kitchen sink to take a bath? I have the hygiene of a midget."

"At church, during communion, they give out free wine. Whoa! Talk about a great place to drink and meet women."

"Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the machine accepts hugs."

"4 in 5 Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing, which begs the question: Are 1 in 5 Americans retarded?"

"Quarterbacks shouldn’t leave the pocket, because that’s where the money is. Every politician knows this."

"Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the machine accepts hugs."