Jarod Kintz, Sleepwalking is restercise

"At church, during communion, they give out free wine. Whoa! Talk about a great place to drink and meet women."

"She likes her wine white, and that’s how I like my clam chowder. So chuggable!"

"Quarterbacks shouldn’t leave the pocket, because that’s where the money is. Every politician knows this."

"Quarterbacks shouldn’t leave the pocket, because that’s where the money is. Every politician knows this."

"We all long for something. Midgets long to be long, but I long to belong."

"4 in 5 Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing, which begs the question: Are 1 in 5 Americans retarded?"

"Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the machine accepts hugs."

"Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the machine accepts hugs."

"Would you mind if I used your kitchen sink to take a bath? I have the hygiene of a midget."