#self-esteem-self-help-book

"Cookie Cutter Criticism A critic tried to fit my sense of humor in a cookie cutter,but it wouldn't fit his preconceived shape of what comedy should be.So he pressed harder, and harder and harder until the cookie cutter cut a cookie shaperight through the palm of his hand.It doesn't hurt anymore when the critic tries to slap me in the face.There's no more hot-air resistance."

"Spooning [10w] Love means tasting her spaghetti sauce on a wooden spoon."

"Overheard at McDonalds "I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.Are you going to finish those fries?"

"Notoriety vs. Anonymity [10w] 'Tis better to live with notoriety,than die of anonymity."

"Omnipresence Under The Christmas Tree "I wish I was a schizophrenic with déjà vu so I could've been everywhere simultaneously."

"A Note from Time Management [10w] Our time machine's temporarily out of order. Come back yesterday."

"Scissor, Paper, Rock [10w] When time acts like a scissor,react like a rock."

"Memory Foam [10w] She had an ass like an elephants memoryfoam pillow."

"Area 51 [20w] If aliens were truly looking for intelligent life on earth,what the fuck were they thinking going to New Mexico?"

"Poetry and Love [10w] Poetry and love are two faces of the same coin."

"Mmm Mmm Good Gimmick Campbell's Soup announced todayit's introducing 'QWERTY' soupfor our more computer literate children.Who are they kidding?They're just relabeling the old Alphabet Soup."

"Shadows are only Neutral at Noon [10w] + {Couplet} Whose side shadows fall upon,tis' ordained by reigning sun."

"Love Fades [10w] Like our love,Chinese painters show distance in faded grays."

"Kansas State Motto Ad astra per aspera. [9]Flat land and flatline intelligence."

"*"Maybe the whole point of my life is to make you feel more alive."

"A Tad Old Fashioned [10w] "Save all your sighing and swooning for the 18th Century, bitch."

"Sink or Swim [10w] Lovers master the breaststroke, the crawl and the muff dive."

"Hatred is a Simple Child Hatred is a simple child nurtured and coddled in a raging heart and then released into a crowd of innocents wearing a suicide vest."

"♥ Love ♡ My heart skips a beat every time you walk through the door!It isn't love ~ I have an arrhythmia."

"Alone [10w] Alone in bed because of three wordsI hadn't said."