#self-improvement-book

"Maine State Motto Dirigo. [10]You won't find no niggers here, eh."

"Hungry When you're hungry everything tastes good.Note to myself: Don't get married when you're hungry."

"Perspective [10w] In every needle there's a haystack,if you step back."

"What is God? [17] [10w] God has a fondness for cosmology and carbon-based life forms."

"They'd Rather Switch [10w] Hearing is wasted on the blind;sight, on the deaf."

"Evolution of Love [10w] Love evolved from when one monkey handed another a blossom."

"Thank You, Adobe [10w] Thanks to Photoshop,a picture isn't worth a single word."

"Over-Douse [10w] Trying to mask death's smell,old ladies over-douse on perfume."

"Obscenity [10w] Obscenity's undefinable becauseeverything that occurs in nature is natural."

"Six-Pack [10w] A six-pack of beer's inversely proportional to six-pack of abs."

"Regret vs. Good Times "If I had to regret the good times I spent with every lover who eventually disillusioned me,my love life would be reduced to ten seconds."

"Family {Couplet} For my misery, family brings relief,tripling my joy, halving my grief.This aesthetic arithmetic's quite poetic,an accounting surmounting odds unsympathetic.Now there seems no hardship I cannot withstand,accompanied by my exponential, familial band."

"Penetration [10w] The difference between truism and an enlightened [10w] is penetration."

"Long Term Relationships [10w] Long term relationships should begin and end with a laugh."

"My Secret for Out-of-the-Box-Thinking To help me writein my signature out-of-the-box style,I sit in front of my humidifier that I've filled up with Grey Goose vodka.My humidifier is now at Underwriters Laboratoriesin a 12-Step Programand buddied up with a de-humidifier."

"Let's Face It [10w] If you've peed on enough fire hydrants, you're a dog."

"Wheaties: Breakfast of Champions... who'll endorse any product for a price."

"Bruges Belgium Haiku Behind a stack of grey Lego bricksyou wheeze up Belfry's 366 stepsand don't see a single bat."

"Brownie Mix [10w] + {Couplet} Betwixt hell and the River Styx,I'll be shitting bricks."

"Please Don't Commemorate Me Just Yet [10w] The living are only commemorated when they're at death's door."