#self-improvement-book

"Leaping lemmings! Leaping lemmings!I so adore ya'Can't get enoughJust want more’o'ya'!When I've had my fill'o'ya',I long for anotherRefill'o'ya.So, let's cut my spiel And here's the deal:I'm just gonna' haveta' cloneya'!So, when we're doneJust having fun --I'm just gonna' haveta' boneya'Again."

"Neanderthal Poetry A poem should come as quick as lightningand create the awe Neanderthals felt cringing in their caves when hearing a clap of thunder."

"The Jewish NOW There's no time like the present ~but in the future,who can say?"

"Deaf [10w] No man suffers deafness if he listens with his eyes."

"Ranger Smith, Unemployement and the Possibility of Unperceived Existence If a tree falls in the forest and we're not there,do we fire the park ranger without making a sound?"

"Ode to a Wastepaper Basket I love the way you sit in the corner,gracious like a lover,catching my every crumpled vanity."

"Bagels and Lox Life's an everything bagel;love is a schmear of scallion cream cheese;and lox, no matter how you cut it,is resistant to dumbass metaphors."

"New Year's Resolutions New Year's resolutions shouldn't be about doing new things;it should be about stopping to do the shitty things you're already doing."

"The Freedom Paradox [10w] The act of protecting freedom is a violation of freedom."

"Hustling [10w] Fishing's the world's oldest profession;only the bait has changed."

"Bespeckled Heroes [10w] Great heroes in 100 years become statues speckled with birdshit."

"Long Term Relationships [10w] Long term relationships should begin and end with a laugh."

"Il Principe 2015: Lesson 1 - The Balls If humility is what's all important to your adversary,humble yourself before him,and you've got him by the balls."

"Heartbreak [10w] Heartbreak’s like a heart attack but without the hospital bills."

"Suicide Note [10w] "Don't ask why I committed suicide.Question why everybody doesn’t."

"Nursing Homes [10w] Nursing homes are house haunted by the living and half-dead."

"Depth of Love [10w] The longer the time between relationships,the deeper your love."

"Consolation [10w] Man finds consolation in love, laughter and Ben & Jerry's."

"Imaginary Friends [10w] My imaginary friend insulted me by calling me real."

"Don’t Let the Dead Fish Fool You [10w] Even the eyes of a dead fish can reflect light."