#witty-quotes

"I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral."

"Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment."

"If an apology is followed by an excuse or a reason, it means they are going to commit same mistake again they just apologized for."

"I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair."

"I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are."

"Writers don't get mad they get even in their novels."

"If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public."