#funny-quotes

"I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair."

"She bats her eyelashes like I’m throwing baseballs at them. I must be as romantic as Pete Rose’s last name."

"What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser—that’s why he's number two."

"If an apology is followed by an excuse or a reason, it means they are going to commit same mistake again they just apologized for."

"Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch."

"Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world."

"I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are."

"Love is relentless, and so am I ;)"

"If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public."

"Life is pain. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something."

"I'm going to sell Flash Bang Wow Fuzz (not a drill) in a bottle, but I’m not sure how to market it. Maybe as a drinkable alternative to love."

"You gotta run more than your mouth to escape the treadmill of mediocrity. A true hustler jogs during the day, and sleepwalks at night."

"She said she was a nurse. I replied that she must have a lot of patience—and patients. I would have said more, but I ran out of homophones."

"Good man and bad man with money goes a long ways."~ Amunhotep El Bey"

"Writers don't get mad they get even in their novels."

"I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral."

"Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment."