"Buy one I love you for $3.99. Buy twelve for $48.00. That’s a savings of twelve cents—directly into my bank account. WARNING: CHOKING HAZARD—Objects not intended for individuals who tend to put forever objects in their mouths."
"William Hurt has a painful last name. Kevin Love has a name perfect for February 14th. But what about Johnny Longdong? Where does he fit?"
"When I die, remember to remove my body from the cooler before you start making the hunch punch. But by all means, do get drunk on my memory."
"Me and her, we’re both hiding who we really are. This is a common practice. It’s called dating."
"Wherever there’s a gathering of people, there is networking going on. My favorite place to network is the cemetery."
"Your personal brand should be like water: not only clear, but transparent to the public. People thirst for that, and they will drink you up."